Fear

I spent a large portion of my day practically frozen with fear. 

Not because something bad happened. Not because something bad was going to happen.

Just for the simple fact that I didn't know what was going to happen.

I think I let this feeling immobilise me more often than I'd care to admit. This time it was due to living in my RV and waking up to see the fridge "Check" light on (the fridge equivalent to the "check engine" light). So I did my customary 2-3 hours of research on the topic and found that the only reason why the check light comes on for RV Dometic fridges is when there is an issue with the LP gas that can run it. Now, I don't use LP gas in my rig, I don't trust the stuff. Too scary, too dangerous. Maybe one day I'll change my tune, but that day is not today. However, I actually wasn't worried about the gas, but rather the alternate way that an RV fridge can be run- the battery. The battery that the RV tech told me about just last week. He mentioned it was old and that it's low power could cause some issues until I got it replaced, which he recommended be ASAP. It's a project for this weekend and I'll have at least 2-3 other people help me replace it properly.

But I let the fear of not knowing why my check light was on consume my day. I ended up doing the right thing by accident- I turned off the fridge, then turned off the converter. You're supposed to wait 3 minutes to clear the system, but I waited 30 because I hadn't yet read the forum post about only having to wait 3 minutes. When in doubt, turn it out. Or off. Whatever. Don't use the thing if you aren't sure you're doing it right. I even went the past 2 months without a working fridge, so I was willing to go back to my old "normal" of not having anything cold while at home.

It's not all doom 'n gloom.
Sometimes it's pretty comfy.
But that wasn't all. Oh no. Once I started up with that fear, then all the other worries kicked in. What about the converter? It's the original one. It needs to be replaced. I need a new battery. They say AGM's are the best, but they also say the old converters will overcharge AGM's and that's not good. So what should I do? Better research it! 4, 5, 6 hours later... Literally! Even more than that, if I'm honest.

What I'm going to do is go pick up the same exact battery I already have and replace the old one. Tit for tat. Then when I save up more money, replace the converter. Then when I have more money, get that fancy AGM battery that the new converter can charge. My problem effectively was "solved", so why did I keep finding more problems and stay scared all day long instead of working on my comic?

Maybe being afraid of a problem with solutions is easier for me than a problem that just asks more questions. Maybe the RV problems were an unhealthy distraction that eventually, some 12 hours later, made me realise how much fear I (not-so-secretly) have for this comic project of mine. Will it soar or flop? I have so much mentally invested in it. It's already so grand and such a success in my head, will anyone else like it? Or even care?

We all live with uncertainly every day in every aspect of our lives. Yet we have a little faith, or at least trust, that things will be ok. If for no other reason, because it's been ok before. Living in an RV is no more dangerous or safe than living in a 20 story high rise. What if someone's unit on the 12th floor catches fire? That's pretty dangerous and with 20 stories full of people, a lot more can happen than just one RV that's so anxiously researched and has 30+ years of history being fine behind it.

We don't really know what the future holds, but sometimes we need to have faith in ourselves and our projects. We can't always predict other people's reactions to what we create, but we have to create anyway. It's what we do as artists and if we know one thing, it's this: We've done it before and it was ok then.

It'll be ok now.

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