What if babies cry when they're born because they realised their immortal existence has just been ripped away and they've just been placed in a mortal body?

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of immortality. What it means to have a purpose in life. Why no one seems upset about their own death until it's far too late to properly mourn for their own life.

It's not out of a depression I have these thoughts. It's out of a fierce right to exist. A deep and immeasurable devastation at the thought that this all has to end one day. And my complete and utter bafflement, boarding on abject horror, at the sheer amount of "okness" everyone seems to have with this concept.

I'm not sure what's worse... Someone who knows it has to end and wants to control that ending or someone who never wants it to end and will never submit to the idea that it must. I have my ideas on which is more tragic. And I don't think it's the person who can accept reality.


Whatever that means.

I saw a pine needle on my car's windshield wiper today. I looked at it and thought, "What is the point of you? Dead pine needle on my car." Part of me wanted to hold it. Maybe toss it aside onto the ground to decompose. Maybe put it in my car and give it a new life, a new purpose. To me at least.

It's still stuck on my windshield wiper.

I wonder what my purpose is often. I realised there is no inherent purpose in anything, much like there is no purpose to my pine needle resting on the windshield wiper. But things have purpose if we give them purpose. Maybe that's the secret to immortality after all. To be so fraught with purpose in our life, to determine what that purpose is for ourselves and then live it with every fibre of our being.

No one will be more resistant to the idea of my own death than I. I dislike the trope that only evil tries to usurp the usurpable. You see it all the time, only the evil ones try to live forever. The rest of us are supposed to march diligently to our end paths, somehow both abhorrent and oblivious to the idea of it, resisting the whole way, then suddenly and completely accept it at the last minute. To even think of controlling that descent into decay is detestable to many.

Seems hypercritical.

How does that make any kind of sense? How are we to fight death at every possible second of our lives, up until we can't any longer? Why is it honourable for a hero to die in battle but detestable for the villain to simply want to continue their existence? What is so wrong with this idea to want to just continue existing? If it's so terrible to continue to exist, why do we get so sad at our loved ones passing, if it was a part of the plan all along to go? Shouldn't we be happy it's all going according to plan? The plan of death? Why even be sad about it? Or are we sad because that's not what's supposed to happen and we all somehow know it?

I have so many questions. So many big questions that I can never seem to find answers to. Worse yet, even fewer people to discuss these questions without motive or malice. Where was I before I was born? And of course, the classic, where will I go when I'm done here?

The one bit of secular comfort I've managed to suss out in 33 years was being told this:

"If you didn't exist before, at least you know you can do it again."


  1. Love this and have pondered similar things as well. I for one would not mind living either for a very long time or 'forever' - whatever that means. Is it cause I'm 'evil' or 'egotistic'? Not at all. It's quite silly, really. I just want to keep making stuff and enjoying the things I enjoy. I'm excited about seeing how cinema and gaming and art and music evolves.

    If I was a vampire, I'd be THAT vampire. With the massive library and media collections and who simply loves relishing in creation and evolution of consciousness.

    1. I hate that ego is brought into the conversation whenever this topic comes up. People get very angry about trying to "cheat" death, as if death is something we're all owed and that we should somehow respect it. I feel like it has ties in religion and that feeling comes from people perceiving the act of trying to defy death as a form of blasphemy. That's probably why there are so many stories about evil doers who try to live forever. I want a story of the opposite. Someone with good intentions that actually does good (not that awful "all good intentions" trope that I hardly see ever actually existing in the real world). Maybe not a vampire, but just a regular person that's learned how to freeze their telomeres in place and stay the age that they are until they feel like ageing some more. That would be one hell of a story. Maybe I'll have to be the one to write it one day.

    2. I love exploring these topics, and I definitely love any stories, scifi etc that explore these as well. :)

      Do you stream? Would love to talk about this stuff on stream sometime!

    3. I need to get back into it. If I do, you can get notified by sub'ing here and getting updates: :)


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